How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
I can’t find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
Wanna see my world cup in action?
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
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