Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
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