I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
Beauty is only pig skin deep
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
"You make me egg-static."
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
Deaf mute gets new hearing
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Are you squiding me right now?
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
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