I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
A pretty lady wasn't on my shopping list but I can be spontaneous.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
You know, I don't need energy bars to keep me going.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
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