“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
I’m thinking about buying a new phone because this crappy one doesn’t have your number in it.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
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