What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
How about drinking some alcohol to catalyze your love reaction a bit more?
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
I want to be a drop of your blood, so I could travel your body and sleep in your heart.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
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