In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
Your good weed for the day.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
Baby you make my telescope expand.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
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