Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
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