"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
You are un-beer-lievable!
Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
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