What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
Don’t be elfish.
I find you very a-peeling.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
I think, therefore I’m single.
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
Is this room hot or it’s just you?
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
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