"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."

What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.

Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.

Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!

What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.

You know what’s odd?
Every other number.

Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.

“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams

What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.

I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.

How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.

What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!

The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.

You’ve got more curves than a cross country track.

I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."

What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.

“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”

"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."

What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.

You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.

Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.

What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon

What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.

You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.

You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.

One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.

My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.

Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.

Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.

“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin

Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.

Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.

How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.

Baby, you rock my world!

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.

A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"

Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.

Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.

A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.

Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey

What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”

Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.