"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
You're acute Valentine.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
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