I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
"Sip, sip hooray."
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.
Let’s get elf-ed up.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
Go to BabaMail
