What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
Werewolves love their fast food.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
All you need is MY love
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
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