Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
I sulfur when you argon.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
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