Except the direction I'm walking in.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
You set my heart bonfire.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
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