Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
You’re the queen of my heart.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
"I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin."
- Anchorman 2 (2013)
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Me without you is like a sneaker without laces.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
Shouldn’t we be carbon dating right now? Let’s get on with it.
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