Dust is a disk's worst enemy.

When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?

Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.

Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)

What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.

I can heartly wait to see you again.

Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Jamaican.

Jamaican who?

Jamaican me horny.

Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.

How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.

I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.

I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.

What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!

Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?

How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.

Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine

You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell

I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat

(Jan Allison)

I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!

What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.

My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.

What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.

"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!

The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.

Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”

What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.

A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.

When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom

Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.

They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.

What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.

“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.

It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.

“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx

You must be a C major scale... All natural.

"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst

“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein

I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.

What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)

Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.

I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.

Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.