Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
You’re so hot you make my lab goggles fog up.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
Can February March? No. But April May.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
Go to BabaMail
