Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
You’re my heartthrob.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
Let's do lunge together
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
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