The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.

Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.

What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.

Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.

What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.

How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.

What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.

What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.

Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.

“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles

"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."

- George Burns.

Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.

How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.

Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.

I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".

Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.

What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.

Isabella Isabeauty for sure

How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.

I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.

Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop

What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!

Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin

How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.

Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.

“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright

You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.

I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.

How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.

It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus

Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.

A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!

I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.

Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk

Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.

Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.

They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.

I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"

“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown

The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.