What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
Are you a brand new racing suit? Because you make me forget how to breathe.
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"You make me egg-static."
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
Hey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
"Sip happens."
Hey, girl. Are you a soccer player? Because yuo look like you can play ball even without hands.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
Go to BabaMail
