My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
Can I hiber-mate with you?
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
Hello Boo-tiful.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
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