Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
Your presents is requested.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.
Aaron you glad I messaged you first?
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.
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