"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
You’re my pot of gold.
What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
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