Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
I'm at my best during overtime.
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
It's really hard for me to plan our wedding without your number.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
You had me at taco.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
Summer should get a speeding ticket
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
"It's wine o'clock."
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
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