One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
Seeing that you're new here, let me show you where the water fountain is...the next drink's on me.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
I dig you a hole lot.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
Let’s get drinks this weekend. Are you Lilli-an, or Lilli-out?
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
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