If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Time to spruce things up.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
We could make such a beautiful library together.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
Don’t give into beer pressure.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
Are you a sprint set? Because you get my heart racing.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
You're a Catch Worthy of a Gold Glove
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
Go to BabaMail
