If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
I pitcher us together forever.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
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