What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
You’re brew-tiful!
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
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