I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
You and I make a deluxe combo.
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Sips getting real.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
Girl, let me take you home and show you my advanced statistic.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
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