Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
The only thing tender today is my heart for you
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
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