It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
This vacation has been sand-sational!
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
Here's to a big opening weekend.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
Are you my Appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I should take you out.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
Go big or go gnome.
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