What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Baby, you rock my world!
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
I made a snap decision to watch football today
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
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