What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
Only a**holes use bidets.
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
Do you squat here often?
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
Hey I need a female opinion - what do you think would look better on me, this or this?
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
We fit together like a gitch in a wedgie.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
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