What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.

[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!

Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.

“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams

How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.

Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.

“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”

Do you like science because I've got my ion you.

I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.

Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.

Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.

If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75

What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!

The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.

Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.

Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.

What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.

What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”

I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.

"Alcohol you later."

Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.

What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller

How do trains eat?
They chew chew.

It ain’t over till it’s clover.

Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!

I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.

Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"

Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.

What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.

What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!

The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection

Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.

Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.

Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

- James Baldwin.

Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.

The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.

Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.

I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.

What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.

At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!