Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
Roses are red
Violets are cheaper
If I leave silent voicemails
Please don’t call me a creeper.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
I know Benjamin Franklin.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
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