Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.

"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln

I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.

What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.

I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.

Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.

I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.

Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.

“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet

What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.

“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin

What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.

“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”

What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.

Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.

What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.

Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.

Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.

You are my density!

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.

"Nobel Prize for Mothers"

Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.

Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!

And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!

You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!

Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.

Orange you excited for Halloween?

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973

Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!

Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam

What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.

What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”

Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!

What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.

Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.

I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.

"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle

Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!

Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.

What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.

Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.

"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."

"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.

Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.