The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
My love for you is like no otter.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
People are always after me lucky charms.
"Sip happens."
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
You're the ruler of my heart.
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
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