Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
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