Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.
I think therefore I yam.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
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