After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.

What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.

Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.

How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”

Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous

Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.

I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…

"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."

You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff

A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.

The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.

“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb

"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous

Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.

When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.

Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.

What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.

What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”

Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.

Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it

I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner

Witch fall flavor is your favorite?

I fence-y you.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?

"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek

Composers always score.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you

Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.

It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.

What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.

I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.

What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.

What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!

What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.

Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle

What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.

The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.

Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).

What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”