Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.

What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.

What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.

Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.

Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.

Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.

Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !

Don't worry, bee happy!

What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke

Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!

Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.

Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.

I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.

What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!

What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.

What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!

What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.

Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!

Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.

There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.

My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.

An innocent fellow named Tim
Met a zombie quite horrid and grim.
Tim patted its head
Before it had fed.
I wonder what happened to him!

Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.

I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!

My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey

“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler

My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.

A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.

What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.

There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.

What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.

What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.

Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.

I hate being bipolar...
It's great!

Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous

Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.

There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.

Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.

I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.

The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.

What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.