I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
You had me at ruff.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
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