“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
Let me be a chicken nugget, and take a dip in your sauce.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
Shell-abrate the good times!
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
How hot does your gas oven get?
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
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