What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
Are you a lexicographer? Because you make my life more meaningful.
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
I was prepping the raw turkey for Thanksgiving dinner
It was fowl.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Tonight I will be exercising my freedom of assembly… outside your bedroom window.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
I'd like to eat breakfast with you.
Can I invite you to dinner?
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
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