I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
Do you know why you need to get up early? Because you’re the sunshine.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
We should make like your parents and split.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
I love you so fairy much.
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
Water you doing, my friend?
You're one in a melon.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
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