What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
The temperature can only go up from here.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
We make a great pear
Your name is insert name here?
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
Tonight I will be exercising my freedom of assembly… outside your bedroom window.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
We bee-long together.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
I'd love to go up and down with you, fancy a hill rep session?
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
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