What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Don't get tide down.
If I got a star for every time I thought of you, I would have a whole galaxy.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
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