Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
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