Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
"Back that glass up."
I couldn't chair less!
"There's no bunny like you."
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
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