Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
Dublin over in laughter.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
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