I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"Reti or not, here I come!"
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
A round of Santa-plause, please.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
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