Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
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