My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
Let’s pretend you’re a croc so we can wrestle!
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
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