My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
"Eggs-cuse me."
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
Football is one habit I will never kick
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
"Time wounds all heels."
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
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