What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
Your fur is red, so beautiful, like an angel in disguise.
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
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