What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
I love you dairy much.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
Tis the sea-sun.
For that special cashier:
Since you're checking me out why don't we go to the movies?
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
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