How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
Your beauty is blinding.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
Some people like to play croc-quet.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
You shamrock my world.
Can I be Candide with you?
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
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