So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
You make me want to Twist and Shout
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
If I were Columbus, I would sail day and night to reach the depths of your heart.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
Go to BabaMail
