When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
He’s an elf-made man.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
Excuse me, may I have this mating dance?
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"My cat doesn't like you."
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
Everybody romaine calm.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
Are you a bookmark? Because I keep rereading the pages you are on!
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
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