“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
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