Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
It’s a winterful day!
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
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