Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Every piece of you is sweet.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
I'm acorn-y person.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
Is your father a boxer?
Because baby, you're a knockout.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Go to BabaMail
