Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
Camel called.
He wants his toe back.
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
I heard you are a goalkeeper, can you keep me forever?
You must be one spicy dish because you're making my heart burn.
I was prepping the raw turkey for Thanksgiving dinner
It was fowl.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
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