Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
"Yoda one for me."
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
How hot does your gas oven get?
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
I think I found my perfect match
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
You’re a perfect ten(t).
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
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