My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
"I make pour decisions."
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
I don't normally put all my eggs in one basket, but I wanna be your number one bunny, honey.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
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