Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
You know, less teeth means more tongue.
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
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