It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice be love that I'm feeling?
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
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