Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
I C Major potential in us getting together.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
Are you into salads? Because I think I'm falling in lovage.
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
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