“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
Filming in cemetery angers residents - The Evening Standard
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
Best in snow.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
Believe in your elf.
I can be your travel pillow.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
Calm before the score
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
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