Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
I hand out couple assists per game, but never landed on a dime like you
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
Deja brew all over again.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
Snow thank you.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
Some bunny loves you.
"Bury me next to a straight man."
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
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