Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
In space, no one can hear us scream.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
You are living proof that Australia was colonized by criminals, because it's 'criminal' how good you look.
If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
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