Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
"No body won the skeleton race."
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
This is snow laughing matter!
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
Baby, I am only tempted by two things: you and chocolate.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
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