What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Girl you are like the sweet song of a choir.
Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
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