How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
Rudder valve reversals
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
Yule be sorry.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
It's not you...it's your taste in music.
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