Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
If you were a baseball mit, would you catch my fly balls?
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
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