Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
You had me at ruff.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
All farts...are laughing gas.
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