A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
Deaf mute gets new hearing
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
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